My new year's resolution is, as ever, to be a nicer person.
It speaks volumes that I don't want to readily admit that to anyone, particularly my mother, lest she think that I don't mean any of my sarcastic or brutally blunt comments. The truth is, I quite enjoy being a bitch.
I am starting a bitch-tin. It's a creation of my own which derives from the classic swear-jar. Every time I make a purposefully harsh comment or joke, I have to add to the tin.
Now, I'm not a bitch in the sense that I gossip especially, or say unpleasantries about people I pretend to like. I don't say mean things about the way people look. Unless they are rude. It's more a case of saying whichever blunt things come into my head. I refuse to pander about being artificially nice. I don't tend to express feelings and I do not have the ability to sympathise. Particularly with illness. There is no such thing as flu. Colds are for the weak. Don't get me started on pregnancy.
Nevertheless, I am going to attempt to reign it in a little. Smile a bit more. Fake some sympathy. New year, new attitude and all that.
Here is summary of my year in angsty tweets:
7 Jan
"@British_Airways How dare you suspend all your flights from Havana and not offer me a full refund? Who the hell do you think you are?"
24 Jan
"Orphans or not, the thing is... I just don't like children. And I have an irrational phobia of frothy toothpaste. So when the 2 collide…"
4 Apr
"The bad news is I've had Dengue Fever. From a mosquito. I also have a black eye.From walking into a window. 1of these things is not my fault"
1 July
"Angry power eating has reached a new level- just chipped a tooth from violent mastication. When will I be able to eat in a calm environment?"
23 July
"There is a baby living on this street who always cries at 12.30am. I hate it."
27 July
"It's 3am. I'm cleaning my shoes. The woman who lives above me is snoring- sounds like a motorbike. Too many cheap cocktails, too many slugs."
12 Aug
"so how did you break your engine?" "well I asked my friend to punch it with a shoe…"
30 Aug
"When I get stuck in purgatory, Alicia Keyes will be there screeching out "New Yaaaarrrk" until I subside and confess to everything #dyingcat"
4 Sep
"Disabled man "nearly" hit by bus. This is not news, Ipswich!! http://www.ipswichstar.co.uk/news/ipswich_disabled_man_nearly_crushed_by_bus_in_frightening_accident_1_2365625 …"
"Incidentally, neither is this. A lift broke down for 20 mins. A baby was in it. And everyone was fine. http://www.ipswichstar.co.uk/news/ipswich_baby_rescue_drama_as_marks_spencer_lift_breaks_down_in_high_street_1_2366971 …"
13 Oct
"A week of scary deadlines,appointments I am in no way prepared for,yet the thought keeping me awake is the potential threat of clothes moths"
31 Oct
"Shocked by child-demons knocking on my door after 24 year of living within an expanse of fields deserted by human interaction and humour"
"I had nothing to give them but a cereal bar."
"Considered giving up an avocado or a grapefruit, but I knew not what bad omens those little shits were capable of conjuring. #halloween"
16 Nov
"Oh my goodness. There is fake snow and Dick and Dom are singing a song about bogies. I think I'm in purgatory #westfieldstratford
25 Nov
"Parents with Children: Aren't you wonderful, taking little Hugo to the museums? WALK ON THE LEFT."
27 Dec
"@firstgreatwestern I have been stuck on this train for 2 hours now and I hate you. And there's NO WATER!!"
"@greateranglia And I hate you and all."
"@FGW sorry I got your hip abbreviated name wrong. Character saving so you can reply more to complainants, I assume"
"And you, @TFL. You are also on my hitlist."
No comments:
Post a Comment